Plunge

What is it that people say?

“Be careful what you wish for, lest it might come true”

Ah yes…what then?
What are you going to do?
We’re all watching.

It’s an unsettling idea for most if we’re honest. If only I had more time, if only I had more space, if only I had more money, if only, if only, if only I got what I wanted. Ask yourself honestly do you deserve it or would it go to waste.

I have no idea how I have ended up where I have, which is no where in particular and that’s ok for now as it is where I believe I’m supposed to be. I have always tried to propel myself forward because I know deep down I want to be responsible for myself and need to meet expectations (which are mostly my own interpretations of external demands). I constantly ask myself, do you want to get out of this mind trap?Yes. Do you want to get away from these feelings? Of course. Do you want to do something worthwhile? Absolutely. Then you need to go through all of those scenarios you dread, the ones that make your skin crawl, the ones that spread nausea to the tips of your fingers and make your insides hot with embarrassment. Putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, offering yourself up for rejection, taking a compliment, bearing the criticism from those who want to see you fail and those who want to help you succeed, knowing the difference, connecting with strangers, asking for and accepting help and learning, always learning no matter how inadequate it makes you feel in the beginning. These are all things I want to get better at.

If you frequent jumping into the sea like I do then you know that if you can persuade your body to betray your instincts for just one-second, it will be long enough to give the order “take the leap”. Before you know it you’re in the air and then it’s out of your hands — splash — you did it! Somewhere along the way someone instilled in me this tactic of facing these things head on, so from time to time that’s what I do; I persuade myself to send the email, make the call and say “Yes” to the vulnerable, exposing, albeit potentially successful thing I would rather run from; then I wait, terrified that I might get what I asked for. Anytime I have succeeded the joy has been coupled with worry about what comes next; some irreversible faux-pas, failing to meet standards, being ousted as a fraud and proving my worst nightmares are true. It’s a cliche but I cannot tell which is scarier, the idea of failing to get off the starting line or success and the expectations that come with it and I think the general consensus is that most would in-fact lean towards the latter. 

I know I am not the only person to go through all of this and have sought out the stories and experiences of others for encouragement when needed. I am amazed at how much my mind can and has played tricks on me in so many aspects of my life. I am amazed at how my body physically reacts to the lies and insecurities that spread like weeds when given half the chance. Doubts can tear holes in my mind and tie knots in my stomach, they can conjure feelings that stop me in my tracks and make me cringe to think that I ever I stood a chance in the first place. My hope is to put a stop to all of that, starting with this blog post; knowing the discomfort will be short lived like the first few seconds plunging into the sea before breaking the surface feeling like a new person. If my mind and body are working against me then I’m going to win them back. In my little life I’ve had some pretty intense moments, days and weeks and I’m going to keep on keeping on — that goes for everything. Don’t worry; I don’t want a medal, my experiences have been mild compared to most. But I do want to turn anxiety back into excitement and to turn excuses into action. When did that nice warm fuzzy feeling turn into nausea? When did my dreams become a chore and not a challenge?

If you ask people who know me they will hopefully tell you that I’ve achieved plenty and that I’ve proven myself more than capable; I’m certainly not saying I haven’t or that I’m not, I would happily agree, but what I will say is that I have had knots in my stomach the whole time. I have probably made lacklustre some of my shiniest memories by worrying too much. In future I’m going to make an effort to appreciate the moments so the memories can take care of themselves. I’m going to learn to be grateful for all that I have so that if or when my wish is granted I’m not going to waste it. 

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson